A PRODUCT OF THE WHISPERFORGE: SOUND & STORY, BROUGHT TO LIFE

-- Scene 01 --
[[SFX: Whirr of an old Answering Machine. BEEP]]

HORNBLAS: Hey, this is Hornblas, lead singer of Mall Rat. Misroch, Asmoraias, Belzagor and I aren’t home, so leave us a message.

[[MUSIC: A Rockin’ 90’s bass line begins underneath Hornblas’ message.]]

HORNBLAS: None of us are demons by the way. Definitely not from Hell. Okay. Cool. You know what to do.

[[MUSIC: Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song. Rock guitar and drums join the bass.]]

[[SFX: answering machine beeps]]

VOICEMAIL: You have ONE new message. Received Wednesday, December 22nd, 1999 at 4:13 AM.

[[SFX: distant house music plays in the background. ASMORAIUS speaks over the din of a crowd.]]

ASMORAIUS: Good evening- Oh. It's nearly morning. Good nearly morning, my demonkin! This is Asmoraius, your lusty, talented, deliciously musky, and sizzling hot lead guitarist, who is calling an emergency band meeting TOMORROW... wait, it’s 4am, so technically TODAY. Either way! We NEED to spice up the setlist for the Y2K party. I was thinking we should try a thrashy cover of the Thong Song! Either way let’s assemble this afternoon—in eight hours— at the Brimstone Valley Mall carousel. WHEW! Okay, better get back in there. This south central pennsylvania dance floor would be hopelessly lost without me. Ta-ta, wish me luck! Not that I need it.

[[SFX: hangs up]]
[[MUSIC: Transition, electric guitar]]

-- Scene 02 --
[[SFX: Fade into a semi-busy food court, cheery carousel music plays.]]

ANNOUNCER: [over loudspeaker] Attention Brimstone Valley Mall Shoppers! Have you been for a spin on our Food Court Carousel? Well if you haven’t, then scurry on over and get in line! It’s fun for all ages! Go around and around and around! That’s it! That’s what it does! Then when you’re good and dizzy, stumble on over to Spaghetti Warehouse for the Spaghettabout it special! That’s right, enjoy some heavy faux italian food in a confusingly industrial atmosphere! Thank you again for shopping at Brimstone Valley Mall!

ASMORAIUS: Step right up, step right up! Come take a spin on the magical, fantastical, horrible, and wonderfully pointless Carousel! Bring your kids, bring your wife! Spin round and round and round until you don’t know which way’s the sky and which way’s the ground! Barf bags available for your [demon voice distortion] weak mortal stomachs, [in a human voice, again] right here behind the podium. If you think you’re gonna hurl, make sure to ask for one before getting on the ride!

DAMIEN: Oh snap. look at this thing.

RAVEN: [perpetually bored] Ugh. Like, the carousel? I haven’t been on that since like four years ago when I was twelve.

DAMIEN: Oh my god let’s go on. It’ll be, like, ironic.

RAVEN: Gross no. I’m not setting foot on that thing. It’s so not goth. It’s so cheerful and loud. Plus it’s for like, babies and preps.

DAMIEN: [sing-song] I’m going on.

RAVEN: Psht. As if.

[[SFX: DAMIEN walks toward the carousel. A pause.]]

RAVEN: Wait! Ugh, Damien! Come back! I can’t stand over here by myself. I’ll look weird!

DAMIEN: I thought you liked solitude.

RAVEN: What?

DAMIEN: [reciting, mocking] “Oh sweet sweet solitude. When at last I am alone in the fog of my own dark inner mind-”

RAVEN: STOP RECITING MY POETRY AT ME! It’s not that kind of solitude!

DAMIEN: I’m getting in line!

[[SFX: Damien crosses to the carousel line]]

RAVEN: UGH. I’m never letting you read my poetry ever again.

[a pause]

RAVEN: Fine. Wait for me!

[[SFX: They walk into the queue for the carousel, the music gets louder as they approach]]

ASMORAIUS: Hello fellow tweens! Step right up! It is I, Asmoraius, humble demon of lust, licentiousness, and luxury. Care to take a spin on the carousel?

DAMIEN: Woah. What are you doing here?

ASMORAIUS: Why, I work here!

DAMIEN: But... you’re like way goth, what are you doing working at “the carousel.”

ASMORAIUS: Oh, my dear children. Carousels are, in fact, goth as fuck.

RAVEN: This is literally for babies.

ASMORAIUS: And demons of the underworld.

DAMIEN: Ugh. Stop talking to him. He’s clearly not one of us.

ASMORAIUS: I’d have to say I agree with you on that count.

RAVEN: Yeah, you’re a poser.

ASMORAIUS: No, but I have been known to … vogue.

DAMIEN: I don’t know what that means.

RAVEN: You might look goth, but you’re not really goth unless your soul is dark all the way through. And if it was, you definitely wouldn’t be working here. So. Not goth.

ASMORAIUS: Oh, you know nothing, young goth teens. How could such naive little infants understand the finesse, the seduction, the overwhelming fancifulness that it is to be truly goth. I, however, happen to be an expert on the subject, as I am, quite literally, from Hell.

DAMIEN: Yeah right, where did vest?

ASMORAIUS: This beautiful little number?

[[SFX: a swoosh of fabric]]

ASMORAIUS: Did you see the tails?

DAMIEN: Where did you get it?

ASMORAIUS: Oscar Wilde’s closet, winter of 1879, my dear.

RAVEN: So. Not Hot Topic.

ASMORAIUS: Not this particular item, no.

DAMIEN: See? Told you he’s not goth.

ASMORAIUS: These trousers were made with the blackest obsidian silk-

RAVEN: Trousers? Who are you my grandpa?

DAMIEN: Yeah, you’re old.

ASMORAIUS: I am thousands of years old. But, children–and this is important–I don’t LOOK it, now do I? I obtain this youthful glow through an extremely strict 12-step regimen of [a breath, and then, Demon voice distortion] 11 pints of maidens’ blood (freshly squeezed), 10 doses of potent seed freely given from the leaping lords of-

RAVEN: Yeah whatever.

DAMIEN: Look at that top hat. He looks like Scrooge.

ASMORAIUS: It’s Victorian, you fools!

DAMIEN: [mocking] You look like a magician. Where’s your cape?

ASMORAIUS: Right here, hanging on my chair.

RAVEN: Oh my god, he actually has a cape!

ASMORAIUS: It flatters my shoulders!!

DAMIEN: If you didn’t buy it at Hot Topic, then it’s not goth.

ASMORAIUS: I have the same choker necklace that you’re wearing! I just didn’t wear it today because it would have clashed with my earrings!

RAVEN: As If.

DAMIEN: [sing-song] The lame ol’d magician thinks he’s as goth as us. Yeah. Right.

ASMORAIUS: I am not lame! I’m in a band!

RAVEN: Yeah right. Probably a band for old people.

ASMORAIUS: I will not be bullied by the likes of you!

RAVEN: Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

ASMORAIUS: [enraged] What am I going to do about it?? [ASMORAIUS pauses for a moment. Thinks. Then speaks with a smooth smile] Nothing. In fact, the customer’s always right. Right, little goth tweens?

DAMIEN: We’re teens, Its been at least 2 years since we were tweens.

ASMORAIUS: Oh. Pardon my transgression. You know what? Why don’t you two hop onto the carousel? For a ride? On the house!

DAMIEN: I mean. Yeah. But Only because it’s free.

RAVEN: Yeah, only because it’s free.

ASMORAIUS: [ominously] Step. Right. Up.

[[SFX: they walk through the turn style and step onto the floor of the carousel]]

RAVEN: We schooled him.

DAMIEN: Yeah we did, what a poser.

RAVEN: Yeah, what fake.

DAMIEN: Which horse are you gonna ride?

RAVEN: The one with the black mane, obviously.

DAMIEN: Yeah, well I’m gonna ride the one with the black saddle. Because it’s more hardcore.

RAVEN: Um, it has flowers in it’s hair, that’s so not goth-

ASMORAIUS: [through a microphone, from the operator podium] Hold onto your butts, children.

RAVEN: This is gonna be so lame.

ASMORAIUS: Here we gooooo!

[[SFX: ASMORAIUS turns on the carousel. Immediately it is going way too fast, being pushed to the limit and spinning the teens round and round faster than is even remotely safe]]

DAMIEN: Let us oooooooffff!!

RAVEN: I’m gonna be siiiiiiiiicck!!

ASMORAIUS: Oops! [evil chuckling] I guess I’ve accidentally forgotten how to turn down the machine!!

RAVEN AND DAMIEN: HEEEEELLLLLPPP!!!

[[SFX: the machine is starting to get overloaded. It bursts into flames, hissing, breaking gears, DAMIEN and RAVEN scream throughout]]

PATRON 1: Oh my god the carousel!

PATRON 2: It’s smoking!

PATRON 1: There are children on board!

PATRON 2: Someone has to stop it!

PATRON 1: I can’t see anything! There’s too much smoke!

TRENT: [heroic] Children? In danger?! I’ll save them!

PATRON 1: Who said that?

PATRON 2: I don’t know! But he sounded like a true hero!

PATRON 1: If only there wasn’t JUST. SO. MUCH. SMOKE

TRENT: Hold on goth teens! I’m coming to save you!!

ASMORAIUS: What? No! Who’s there?

TRENT: Don’t worry, Carousel Operator! I’ll cut the power cord! It has to be here on the floor somewhere!

ASMORAIUS: Don’t go near the power cord! That will shut off the machine!!

TRENT: And save the children!

ASMORAIUS: EXACTLY! Stop right where you are!... Where.. Where are you?

TRENT: I think I see the cable!

ASMORAIUS: Stop! Don’t touch anything! I can’t see! Where are you?

TRENT: I’m going to pull the chord!

ASMORAIUS: No sto-

[[SFX: TRENT pulls the cord, the machine booms and starts to power down, the screaming stops, people are coughing, a fire alarm can be heard in the background]]

ASMORAIUS: You fool! You ruined every-

[[SFX: DAMIEN and TRENT run into each other and crash to the floor]]

ASMORAIUS: Oh.... Oh my.

TRENT: Are you alright?

ASMORAIUS: [a bedroom voice] I am now, darling.

TRENT: Oh. Uh. Could you get off me? You’re—so boney.

ASMORAIUS: You have no idea -

DAMIEN: [coughing] Ugggghhh I don’t feel so goo-

[[SFX: DAMIEN barfs]]

RAVEN: [in the distance, crying and coughing] I wanna go home -

[[SFX: RAVEN barfs while crying]]

TRENT: Are they alright?

ASMORAIUS: Who cares?

TRENT: Excuse me?

ASMORAIUS: Oh, I mean. I am just so sorry for tripping and falling right onto your... body.

TRENT: Oh. Well, uh. Glad I could break your fall. But we should um... Probably get up...

ASMORAIUS: Do we have to?

TRENT: Here, let me help you.

[[SFX: they get to their feet]]

DAMIEN: This ride sucked! You’re the worst carousel operator EVER.

RAVEN: FREAK!

ASMORAIUS: [casually] Oh, insolent child, you don’t even know the half of it.

DAMIEN: We’re never coming back here again! You’re OLD and WEIRD.

RAVEN: And a fake!

ASMORAIUS: I am many things, but I fake nothing!

DAMIEN: Suck an egg, loser!

ASMORAIUS: You suck an egg!

RAVEN: We’re OUT OF HERE.

ASMORAIUS: Then GO!

DAMIEN: FINE!

ASMORAIUS: FINE!

RANDOM MALL PATRON: [in the distance] FINE!

[a pause]

TRENT: Who said that last one?

ASMORAIUS: I honestly still can’t see a thing.

TRENT: What does “suck an egg” even mean?

ASMORAIUS: I don’t know, but I have a feeling I’d be into it.

TRENT: I’m Trent, by the way.

ASMORAIUS: Asmoraius. Pleasure to make your acquaintance. I’d shake your hand but, I -

TRENT: Can’t see in all this smoke? Here. Let me see if I can help. If I take off my shirt, I should be able to fan some of this smoke away.

ASMORAIUS: That is the best idea I’ve heard in a decade.

[[SFX: TRENT takes off the shirt, swishes the fabric through the air to dissipate the smoke]]

TRENT: There we go! That’s getting a bit better.

ASMORAIUS: Oh... Yes, darling, clear that smoke away so I can see your shirtless... Wait. You’re still wearing your polo.

TRENT: That’s just my underpolo. I just love the look of a double popped collar.

ASMORAIUS: I’ve never seen someone look good in a double popped collar before.

TRENT: If one popped collar looks good, why wouldn’t two look better? Here, I’ll put this back on and show you.

ASMORAIUS: Oh no! That won’t be necessary! In fact [fake coughing] I think. There’s more smoke! This might be a two shirt job.

TRENT: I don’t see any more…

ASMORAIUS: [COUGHS SO LOUD, very clearly faking] The smoke, there’s just just so much smoke! Please you must remove your underpolo immediately for the sake of my life!

[[SFX: PATRON 1 runs over to them with clicking heels]]

PATRON 1: [earnestly] You! Sir! You saved those children! Thank you! Thank you for looking after them!

TRENT: Oh, it was nothing. Just being a Good Samaritan!

ASMORAIUS: [gags]

TRENT: Asmoraius? You okay?

ASMORAIUS: Oh. Just... a little smoke still in my throat. Now, miscellaneous mall woman patron, why don’t you scurry along we were having a conversation.

PATRON 1: [flirtatiously] well I just wanted to come over and say-

ASMORAIUS: That’s enough. Shoo shoo. Be gone.

PATRON 1: Humph. Fine.

[[SFX: heel clicks as she walks away]]

TRENT: That wasn't very nice.

ASMORAIUS: But it was necessary. Now, where were we? Ah yes. Those two polos are... such a choice...

TRENT: Thanks!. I love your vest. It looks like something that we’d sell over at Hot Topic.

ASMORAIUS: ... We?

TRENT: Yeah, I work there. I’m on my break.

ASMORAIUS: At Hot Topic.

TRENT: Yeah.

ASMORAIUS: You. Work... at Hot Topic.

TRENT: Yeah, why?

ASMORAIUS: Are you sure you didn’t mean Lollister? Or Preppercrombie and Binch?

TRENT: Nope. Hot Topic. Is that... A problem?

ASMORAIUS: Oh no! No! It’s just. I’ve never seen you there before. And I frequent it quite a bit.

TRENT: Aha. Yeah. I’m new. Just started last week. It’s taking some getting used to, but I like to think of every challenge as a small opportunity to improve! You should stop by sometime when I’m working. I get a great employee discount.

ASMORAIUS: You’re too kind.

TRENT: That’s what I’ve been told. I really should get back to work, my break will be over soon and I always try to get back 5 minutes early.

ASMORAIUS: That’s horrid.

TRENT: Haha. You are so funny! Will you be able to clean all of this up by yourself? The carousel seems a little -

[[SFX: a piece of the carousel falls off and clatters to the floor]]

TRENT: Worse for wear...

ASMORAIUS: Oh it should be fine. Perhaps I should look at this as "a small opportunity to improve"...

TRENT: That’s the spirit! Maybe I’ll see you around, Asmoraius.

ASMORAIUS: So long, beautiful stranger. Who I know now. And intend to know... [ominously] better.

[[SFX: another large piece of the carousel groans and clattersfalls to the ground]]

ASMORAIUS: Don’t despair, sweet carousel. He’ll be back.

[[MUSIC: Scene transition, sick guitar riff]]

-- Scene 03 --
[[SFX: The mall, empty]]

ANNOUNCER: Attention Brimstone Valley Mall shoppers. Waazzaaaaaaap?? Only three days till Christmas! Hope you’re shopping list is nice and long! All this rampant capitalism got you hungry? Stop on by the food court to try a new Extra Long McDollar Big Dong with a side of two-

[[SFX: the announcement is cut off as ASMORAIUS shuts the metal door behind him, outside in the employee parking lot it is cold and quiet]]

ASMORAIUS: Misroch! You're here early!

MISROCH: You said to be here at noon. It's noon.

ASMORAIUS: So sorry for the change in meeting place... [dramatically] I’m sure you’ve heard... my beautiful carousel has been... compromised! The mechanical malfunction was so out of control. I had nothing to do with it.

MISROCH: That’s what all that smoke was? I thought McDollars caught on fire again. That Supersized Ding Dong is such a fire hazard.

ASMORAIUS: Didn’t your counter catch on fire just yesterday?

MISROCH: That was completely different!

ASMORAIUS: Riiight. Well, either way [faux-helplessly] I haven’t the slightest idea how I’ll get it up and running again! If only there was someone I knew that was good at mechanical things...

[[SFX: the metal door opens and BELZAGOR walks out into the parking lot, slurping a smoothie as usual. The door shuts behind her]]

BELZAGOR: Hey. I’m late. [slurps]

ASMORAIUS: Belzagor! Nice of you to join us and- Oh. What a beautiful mesh top shirt.

BELZAGOR: Thanks. It’s a little cold, but I got my nipples pierced so-

ASMORAIUS: Where did you get it?

BELZAGOR: The piercing? Right here. Hang on, look-

ASMORAIUS: NO, I mean, where’d you get that shirt? It’s quite titillating.

BELZAGOR: Oh, Hot Topic. [slurrp] You know some guy already filled Hornblas’s old position?

ASMORAIUS: [lecherously] I’ll fill his positi-

BELZAGOR: Which was fast. Hornblas was fired like a week ago? The new cashier is some kinda... milk-drinking prep.

ASMORAIUS: The one with insanely prominent cheekbones? As if carved from marble?

BELZAGOR: Actually, yes.

ASMORAIUS: Do you think he had a six pack? I thought I felt a six pack, but he had so many polos on.

MISROCH: You guys, I’m freezing my nads off. All of them!. Can I change into demonskin?

BELZAGOR: Misnis, it’s the middle of the day! Anyone could see you.

MISROCH: But this humanskin has no insulation! How are you not freezing?

BELZAGOR: I’m just more hardcore than you.

MISROCH: Says the inventor of the Furbaby.

ASMORAIUS: Both of you stop quibbling. I’m ready to start the meeting.

BELZAGOR: We can’t start yet. We need Hornblas.

MISROCH: Ha! Well don’t hold your breath. He didn’t show up this morning.

BELZAGOR: Wait. What? Again?

MISROCH: YES. AGAIN. When he gets here, if he gets here, I’m gonna kill him.

BELZAGOR: That’s... Guys this is weird. When’s the last time anyone has seen him?

ASMORAIUS: Hm... Well, we got home from Distort Tour, and then he went to his room... And I haven't seen him since.

MISROCH: Yeah, that sounds about right.

BELZAGOR: You mean no one has seen him in three days?? You guys. What the fuck? Something’s wrong.

MISROCH: Maybe he’s just back at the carousel? Did anybody tell him we had to move the meeting?

ASMORAIUS: I left him a note at the carousel telling him to meet us here.

MISROCH: He’s probably just moping cause he’s an “artist” with “feelings.” We should start the meeting anyways.

BELZAGOR: Hornblas started this band. He’s essential to the decision making process. We need-

MISROCH: The biggest gig of our lives is roughly two weeks away. We don’t have time to wait for him to feel better!

BELZAGOR: The lead singer of our band is missing, and you want to just keep going as if nothing’s wrong?

MISROCH: [mockingly] OOHHHH we can’t go on without the lead singer? Well, you know what also is useless? A band without a DRUMMER! A drummer is the pulse of a band. If I didn’t show up to a meeting or a gig-

BELZAGOR: We’d find another drummer, asshole. Hornblas literally leveraged his ability for us. The ability that you seem to think is so useless.

MISROCH: What?

BELZAGOR: Yeah. He told Carpasinus he wouldn’t summon all the demons to the party unless our band got to open for The Reckoning! And yet you want to start the meeting without him. Because you can what, hit things with sticks?

ASMORAIUS: Demons please, we mustn't waste time fighting. Some of us have places and people to be in after this meeting. And besides, we have three of our band members here. Drums, Guitar, Bass, that’s a quorum! I think we can continue.

BELZAGOR: The lead singer is the most important member of the band-

ASMORAIUS: Oh, Belzagor, how cute, but we all know the lead guitarist is the most important; we’re the loudest and we get laid the most.

MISROCH: You don’t know that.

ASMORAIUS: [giggling] Yes, I do. Now, I have the setlist from our last gig at the New Haven Department of Motor Vehicles where we opened for The New Haven Barbershop Quartet. But I’d like to make a few revisions. Belzagor, do you still have that triple-necked bass that you smashed on the stage?

[a pause]

BELZAGOR: I smashed it.

ASMORAIUS: Well... Invent another one. I've hatched a scheme. If we can wow the right demons at this Y2K concert, maybe we could arrange to have our sin coin contracts "misplaced" if you know what I mean? Then we could stay on Earth indefinitely!

MISROCH: Fat chance!!

BELZAGOR: Where?

[[SFX: Fat Chance walks by; he’s in a hurry]]

FAT CHANCE: Hey guys. Just got off my shift. Sorry, can’t hang. I gotta go pick up my sister from school.

MISROCH: Oh! See ya later, buddy!

FAT CHANCE: Later.

[[SFX: he leaves, gets in his car and drives off]]

ASMORAIUS: Fat chance is just such a nice fellow.

MISROCH: I still don’t know why people call him that.

BELZAGOR: Yeah, he’s not even that fat.

MISROCH: Anyways. There's no way that'll happen, Asmo. If you try to extend our stay surface-side? We'll all get labeled as human sympathizers.

ASMORAIUS: Is that really so bad? What's the worst that could happen?

MISROCH: A smiting.

ASMORAIUS: Ooh. A smiting? It’s been a while since this hot fanny has been smote.

[[SFX: He does the butt sizzle thing. BELZAGOR slurps.]]

MISROCH: Not the fun kind.

ASMORAIUS: There’s a not-fun kind?

BELZAGOR: Guys. None of this matters if Hornblas is missing!

MISROCH: He’s not missing. You’re being dramatic.

BELZAGOR: Oh yeah? Then where is he?

MISROCH: He’s just being flaky!

ASMORAIUS: Well, he has to be back by Y2K. It’s his job to summon all of the guests.

MISROCH: I wouldn’t put it past him. Then we’d end up taking the fall for him. Fuck, we’d piss off Lucifer himself.

BELZAGOR: Shit, you guys this is... This is really bad... I just…

[[SFX: BELZAGOR walks to the dumpster]]

ASMORAIUS: Where are you going?

BELZAGOR: I just need a minute.

MISROCH: Belzagor, really?

ASMORAIUS: Where is she going?

MISROCH: To the dumpster.

ASMORAIUS: Why?

[[SFX: BELZAGOR dives into dumpster, rummages around]]

BELZAGOR: [from inside the dumpster] Because I need a drink.

ASMORAIUS: Of...What?

MISROCH: Double Blessed Holy Water. It tastes like rubbing alcohol and an open flame had a baby in a flask.

ASMORAIUS: Ooh. That sounds good.

[[SFX: climbing out of the dumpster]]

BELZAGOR: You can’t have any. You’re both the worst.

[[SFX: BELZAGOR pops off the lid, takes a swig]]

ASMORAIUS: Me? I didn’t even do anything! It’s Misroch that you’re mad at!

[[SFX: a low rumble begins in the distance, it increases, they shout over it as it gets louder]]

MISROCH: Well, don’t be mad at me!

BELZAGOR: Too late, I am mad at you!

MISROCH: You shouldn't be mad at me! You should be mad at Hornblas!

ASMORAIUS: Why isn’t anyone mad at me???!

BELZAGOR: Do you hear that?!

MISROCH: No! All I can hear is you shouting over the sound of that approaching Hell Portal!

[[SFX: the portal to hell rips open in the air in front of them. XAPHAN drops out of it and lands in the parking lot. The portal closes much more quickly than it appeared. XAPHAN stands up, dusts herself off]]

XAPHAN: Um... Hi.

MISROCH: What the fuck... Who the hell are you?

XAPHAN: I’m Xaphan. I’m Hornblas’s replacement.

BELZAGOR: Hornblas’s what?

XAPHAN: His replacement. I’m here to ... take his place.

MISROCH: [quietly] Oh shit.

[[MUSIC: Transition, rockin’ guitar riffs]]

-- Scene 04 --
[[SFX: tape whir, voicemail]]

VOICEMAIL: You have ONE new message. Received Wednesday, December 22nd, 1999 at 6:66pm.

CARPASINUS: This is Carpasinus, Premier Case Manager of Demonic Activity in the South Central Pennsylvania region, This is a reminder to group #21740, that your presence will be required at the Y2K party aka “apocalypse light”. According to your contract with Lucifer herself, Hornblas will summon you and your band, “Mal” l “Rat” - oh Satan, is that truly the name of your band? No matter. He will summon “Mall” “Rat” to the party 30 minutes early for sound check. When the festivities begin, Hornblas will again use his summoning ability to assemble all of the legions of hell to the party. So it is imperative that you are not. Late. [pauses ominously] You will play your set, there will be a DJ after you, and then the Reckoning - a much better band in all regards - will take over for the rest of the evening. Once the party is over, you will be sent back up to Earth to continue your measly posts. If you have any questions, you can call me back at–

[[SFX: Horrible horrible screaming]]

CARPASINUS: –but I wouldn’t recommend that. Tata.

[[SFX: hangs up]]
[[MUSIC: Musical Outro - Brimstone Valley Mall Theme Song plays over credits]]

-- CREDITS --
KRISTEN DIMERCURIO: Demons and Mortals alike, thank you so much for listening to episode 2 of Brimstone Valley Mall!
This show was written and directed by Kristen DiMercurio, hey! That’s me.

It was co-written by Mark Wolf Roberts and Talia Rochmann

This episode was sound designed by Jared Paul, and recorded by Jared Paul and James Schoen.

In this episode you heard:
Asmoraius, played by Mark Wolf Roberts
Xaphan, played by Isa Braun
Raven, played by Jordan Cobb
Trent, Damien and Carpasinus, all played by Christopher Trindade
Misroch, played by Elliot Gindi
Belzagor, played by Susannah Wilson
Hornblas, played by Sheldon Brown
And the Mall Announcements, played by yours truly
Additional voices were played by James Oliva, Kim Hamilton, Zach Ehrlich, and Danielle Shemaiah.

Our theme music is written and performed by FM Buller. Our show art was designed by Talia Rochmann.

Brimstone Valley Mall is produced by Kristen DiMercurio, with Production Consulting by Julia Schifini. It’s Executive Produced by Mischa Stanton for the Whisperforge.

Now, we’d like to take a moment to shout out some of the incredible patrons who donated to our indiegogo. Without them, none of this would be possible. So we’d like to give a big firey hellhug to R Scott Creighton, Elizabeth Campbell, Angel Acevedo, Andrew Frank, Patch Landers, Michael Armes, David Whittelsey, Mr. Fish Is, Sunny Veniero, Michael DiMercurio, Griselle Osses, Alexandra Vitello, Nicole Benker, Matthew Peter Jones, Jeff Van Dreason, Meaghan Cassidy, and Charles Choi.

Want more good good demon content? You can follow us on Twitter @bvmpod, and Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr @brimstonevalleymall.

Episode three of Brimstone Valley Mall will air on Thursday, January 2nd.

Now head on over to the food court, because today’s Weiner World Special Is: Fried Nostril Rings